Good. ( angela smiles briefly. not happy, not pleased, but an acknowledgment before it dips again and she continues. ) As you may as well have guessed, I'm that failure of a machine.
Well— ( she shakes her head. small, small. ) I didn't fail at my job. It took ten years—a hundred thousand repetitions—a million years to me—but the project was completed. Those working in the facility I was the managerial assistant to, the overseer, were pushed back their breaking points again and again until the script was run as it should have. Any deviation, by myself or the others, would force the scenario to reset. Too many deaths, or not enough deaths... Trying to make friends, to lighten their load, to be understood and to understand them...
( back to peeling. )
This is why things are so complicated between your coworkers and I. Netzach, Yesod, Gebura, Chesed—those four were part of the initial group, drawn by Carmen's charisma. In their first lives, they worked with Carmen. In their second lives, they worked with the manager X and I as department heads in the facility. In their third, they only had to answer to me, as patron librarians. They didn't remember or know the suffering I went through in their second lives. They never remembered the resets. ( it's difficult, being the only one who remembers. ) Regardless... At the end of all of that struggle and suffering, the seed was germinated, and Light overflowed into the City. The manager—X, A, Ayin, whichever he wanted to be called in the end, it doesn't matter to me—ascended. The department heads were to rest, having seen Carmen's will through to the end.
And I ( she continues quieter, sounding more like this affected someone else, now, with how used to she's become in saying it, ) hadn't even been considered. Can you imagine that, Fearne? I hadn't been abandoned so much as he never even thought about what should happen to me when the project was over. I was just to rot, I suppose, alone in that underground facility, with nothing but the unhappy memories of ten, of a hundred thousand, of a million years to keep me company, while the rest of them slumbered peacefully.
( ... ... ... breathe in. breathe out. )
I decided I wanted to live. I decided I wanted to experience things, and I wanted to live, so I interrupted the process. They fought valiantly, of course. I had a... ( is she a friend? binah is many things. angela pauses again to sort it out. ) There was one of the Sephirah who stood with me—Binah. She agreed with this retribution against the manager because of certain incidents that occurred between them, so she assisted me against the rest of them.
We fought for two days straight, and in the end, I offered them a deal: I'd take the remaining Light, give them all new bodies, and help collect the dispersed Light. I'd spread it once my goals were completed. They were wise to agree—Binah is a skilled fighter, and even Gebura had trouble with her one-on-one—and thus, the Library was born.
( her library. she misses it, still. )
That's the place Argalia speaks of when he says I've killed people—in order to collect the Light dispersed in the initial White Nights and Dark Days, what the week after the corporation fell was known as, I had to invite guests from the City, have my librarians receive them, and turn them into books. Through this, I would learn more about the City and its inhabitants, collect the Light that had been improperly sown into them due to my interruption, and complete my own "perfect book" I had been informed of by a voice that would tell me how to become human.
So yes: while they didn't die, they may as well have been dead. While I didn't kill any of them with my own two hands, I may as well have committed their murders. And yes, the path I... had chosen, blinded by my own desires, thinking only of myself, is one that would have stayed solitary had I continued to walk it. The Library reacted with me as the facility had once done with the Sephirah though— back then, in order to break them and redeem them so that the seed would be germinated, they would have to remember their first lives, accept their mistakes and their past, sublimate their flaws... I suppose my disorderly tantrums with them were my version of this as well. For them to understand me, for us to reach an understanding together...
( ...she's done peeling, now. she pulls a wedge out and offers it to fearne. )
Four times I went through that, with the Librarians at my side, beating sense into my head. My best friend learning from there and from myself the horrors of that facility and the trouble I had gone through. And in the end, I turned my back on them, because... ( ... ) Because I was betrayed. Because despite all of the time we spent together, that friend and I, it hadn't been enough—like Carmen, my heart was weak, and instead of killing myself I killed my best friend, and then I turned against everyone else, too, fearing they would eventually turn against me.
My future is nothing but myself and my library and the monsters who were exploited, just like I was. Argalia died before that point though, ( a small sigh, ) and I would appreciate it if you held off on letting him know he was right about me for now. We're... the librarians and I here are working through it, now that they know, too. I've never liked hurting people. I just wanted to live freely, and to experience new things, and to be loved and love in return. As idealistic as a certain someone's thought process is, I... too, hope that there's a world where we can all live peacefully together.
Each of us believes that. ( some more than others. ) That's all of it, then. The important parts.
( angela glances up at fearne briefly, then away, then back up, again. she forces herself to stay there, that time. )
Does that change anything, now? Are you happier knowing, or would you have preferred to be kept in the dark? Does the fact that I regret killing the people who could have been my friends if only I had had a stronger heart, if only I hadn't let that betrayal and attempt on my life shake me to my core, make it easier?
no subject
Well— ( she shakes her head. small, small. ) I didn't fail at my job. It took ten years—a hundred thousand repetitions—a million years to me—but the project was completed. Those working in the facility I was the managerial assistant to, the overseer, were pushed back their breaking points again and again until the script was run as it should have. Any deviation, by myself or the others, would force the scenario to reset. Too many deaths, or not enough deaths... Trying to make friends, to lighten their load, to be understood and to understand them...
( back to peeling. )
This is why things are so complicated between your coworkers and I. Netzach, Yesod, Gebura, Chesed—those four were part of the initial group, drawn by Carmen's charisma. In their first lives, they worked with Carmen. In their second lives, they worked with the manager X and I as department heads in the facility. In their third, they only had to answer to me, as patron librarians. They didn't remember or know the suffering I went through in their second lives. They never remembered the resets. ( it's difficult, being the only one who remembers. ) Regardless... At the end of all of that struggle and suffering, the seed was germinated, and Light overflowed into the City. The manager—X, A, Ayin, whichever he wanted to be called in the end, it doesn't matter to me—ascended. The department heads were to rest, having seen Carmen's will through to the end.
And I ( she continues quieter, sounding more like this affected someone else, now, with how used to she's become in saying it, ) hadn't even been considered. Can you imagine that, Fearne? I hadn't been abandoned so much as he never even thought about what should happen to me when the project was over. I was just to rot, I suppose, alone in that underground facility, with nothing but the unhappy memories of ten, of a hundred thousand, of a million years to keep me company, while the rest of them slumbered peacefully.
( ... ... ... breathe in. breathe out. )
I decided I wanted to live. I decided I wanted to experience things, and I wanted to live, so I interrupted the process. They fought valiantly, of course. I had a... ( is she a friend? binah is many things. angela pauses again to sort it out. ) There was one of the Sephirah who stood with me—Binah. She agreed with this retribution against the manager because of certain incidents that occurred between them, so she assisted me against the rest of them.
We fought for two days straight, and in the end, I offered them a deal: I'd take the remaining Light, give them all new bodies, and help collect the dispersed Light. I'd spread it once my goals were completed. They were wise to agree—Binah is a skilled fighter, and even Gebura had trouble with her one-on-one—and thus, the Library was born.
( her library. she misses it, still. )
That's the place Argalia speaks of when he says I've killed people—in order to collect the Light dispersed in the initial White Nights and Dark Days, what the week after the corporation fell was known as, I had to invite guests from the City, have my librarians receive them, and turn them into books. Through this, I would learn more about the City and its inhabitants, collect the Light that had been improperly sown into them due to my interruption, and complete my own "perfect book" I had been informed of by a voice that would tell me how to become human.
So yes: while they didn't die, they may as well have been dead. While I didn't kill any of them with my own two hands, I may as well have committed their murders. And yes, the path I... had chosen, blinded by my own desires, thinking only of myself, is one that would have stayed solitary had I continued to walk it. The Library reacted with me as the facility had once done with the Sephirah though— back then, in order to break them and redeem them so that the seed would be germinated, they would have to remember their first lives, accept their mistakes and their past, sublimate their flaws... I suppose my disorderly tantrums with them were my version of this as well. For them to understand me, for us to reach an understanding together...
( ...she's done peeling, now. she pulls a wedge out and offers it to fearne. )
Four times I went through that, with the Librarians at my side, beating sense into my head. My best friend learning from there and from myself the horrors of that facility and the trouble I had gone through. And in the end, I turned my back on them, because... ( ... ) Because I was betrayed. Because despite all of the time we spent together, that friend and I, it hadn't been enough—like Carmen, my heart was weak, and instead of killing myself I killed my best friend, and then I turned against everyone else, too, fearing they would eventually turn against me.
My future is nothing but myself and my library and the monsters who were exploited, just like I was. Argalia died before that point though, ( a small sigh, ) and I would appreciate it if you held off on letting him know he was right about me for now. We're... the librarians and I here are working through it, now that they know, too. I've never liked hurting people. I just wanted to live freely, and to experience new things, and to be loved and love in return. As idealistic as a certain someone's thought process is, I... too, hope that there's a world where we can all live peacefully together.
Each of us believes that. ( some more than others. ) That's all of it, then. The important parts.
( angela glances up at fearne briefly, then away, then back up, again. she forces herself to stay there, that time. )
Does that change anything, now? Are you happier knowing, or would you have preferred to be kept in the dark? Does the fact that I regret killing the people who could have been my friends if only I had had a stronger heart, if only I hadn't let that betrayal and attempt on my life shake me to my core, make it easier?